Knocking on depressions doorAs many of you are aware I have struggled with/been blessed?/been diagnosed with depression/anxiety since I was a senior in highschool. At the time I made peace with it knowing that I was always aware of a “darker” presence within me and a hyperactive brain - but it’s been a real journey over the past 7? years to say the least. I am pretty open about mental health, but when thinks start to get a little darker I struggle with the words to to explain what that even means, and I generally get frustrated when people don’t instantly understand. SO I guess this is my little op-ed on depression….. Yesterday I became aware of feelings of depression in my body. Ive never had words to explain what that even feels like but I will try. It’s like a feeling of melancholy starting to sweep over your body. You probably aren’t taking super good care of yourself physically, you probably just wanna lay in bed all day and then feel restless and bored when you do so, but aren’t able to come up with any better alternatives. You’ve probably stopped some good habits, you’ve probably cough cough been really bad about taking your meds. Oh yeah, meds. Unfortunately for me, when a depressive episode comes on its ALMOST ALWAYS because I have been lacking on my meds for about a month or more. So yeah yesterday I realized depression was coming for me, I felt the early signs, the pieces added up. I cried cause I was scared. Being in a depressive episode is scary, it takes out a lot of the color of life, it’s takes an existential mind like my own and turns all the possibilities life has to offer into one question: whats the point? It makes it hard to get up in the morning, it makes it hard to leave the house, it makes it hard to cook for myself, hard to care for poppy, hard to do work, hard to do anything but ponder, whats the fucking point? and the answer is usually, there really isn’t one. and when you are feeling down, thats not very helpful LOL All this is very isolating - you don’t wanna freak people out when you tell them these things (cough cough mom) - cause these are not new ponderings for me/ Frankly this whole situation is not new for me. Since highschool, I have gone through the cycles of feeling good, then not feeling so good, repeat. Part of that is just the flow of life, but the low I feel when I am not taking my meds or taking care of myself is just different. In my adult life, I have a much better handle on all this. I know how to handle it better, I know the early warning signs - I know how to be proactive. So in lieu of knocking on depressions door, I am now working on proactive self care. 3 days in and I am already feeling better, I am drinking my stupid lemon water, I am taking my stupid meds, I am doing my stupid meditations, I am reading my stupid books. I will check back in a week with how I am doing. PS no photos cause its the self care edition and I don’t want to.
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